Have you ever been in love? Being in love is a deeply satisfying state, you feel intensively alive. Your existence suddenly becomes meaningful now that someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special and not to forget the satisfaction you get when doing the same with your partner.
When you are together, you feel whole, and the feeling becomes so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.
However, every relationship experiences a few bumps on the road. Issues can sometimes start small and escalate over time if not treated properly.
One thing that is common in most arguments or small disputes can be tracked down to lack of emotional intelligence. In other words, it’s the ability to identify the anger in you and manage this emotion in order not to manifest it in an offensive way.
Lack of emotional intelligence or anger in relationships can be manifested in many shapes: Possessiveness, jealousy the need to be in control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, high emotional demands and sometimes manipulation, the urge to argue criticize, judge blame or attack. It can also be manifested by the unconscious revenge from the past due to a pain inflicted by a parent or physical violence.
On a positive note, if you are very alert, very present, and are able to be in the relationship without the ego involvement or without blaming, accusing, then you can always keep your relationship on the right track.
Let’s take an example from a typical day of a traditional married couple. The wife has spent the entire day working hard to clean the house, water the plants, buying some fresh flowers rearranging the furniture and all the things she can do to make the house look beautiful. The husband later on comes in from work and doesn’t say a single word or compliment about the house, he doesn’t even seem to notice.
Looking at it from the husband’s side, all he is thinking about is how much his day has been stressful dealing with unhappy clients, the cranky boss, the pressure of deadlines and so on. In his mind he is just focusing on all the self-sacrifices and the hardships he has to deal with to provide for his family.
On the other hand, while the husband is stuck in his thoughts, the wife is feeling a mounting resentment and goes on and on in her mind thinking about the sacrifices she made that day. She could have gone out for lunch with friends, she could have finished reading the book that she is enjoying, she could have watched her favourite show on tv. Instead, she did all of this for her husband, while he seems not to have noticed any of her efforts nor acknowledged them.
As a result, as both harbour their grudges, resentments and frustrations, their inner anger increases and ends up being expressed with coldness and detachment as they both escape into the TV shows for the rest of the evening, and finally go to bed silently in anger.
So, what do you think is wrong with this couple? What are they missing?
What they really lack here is the communication, they didn’t sit together and talk about their daily life nor how they are feeling. And communication is key in relationships as long as it is done the right way.
In order to do so, you will need to practice a few things with an open mind and an open heart:
- Learn and practice expression without putting the blame on your partner
- Learn to listen to your partner openly without being defensive and taking everything personal
- Give your partner the chance to express him or herself freely
- Be present because when you are, accusing, attacking or defending which are patterns that feed and protect your ego, will feel redundant
- Give space to yourself and your partner which is a vital thing in a relationship
In fact, once you and your partner set aside your egos’ needs and acknowledge the fact that as human beings both of you may have fears or self-destructive behaviors you will learn to work to accept your partner without the blame. And this will help build a strong and flourishing relation. Thus, instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes with the realization of your oneness with all that is. This is the love that has no opposite.
Let’s go back to a few dos and don’ts that you and your partner can practice for a healthier and more fulfilling relationship:
- Sympathize with your partner and show that you care about their problem
- Always approach a conflict as a mutual problem to overcome together by tackling the issues both of you are facing
- Make sure to send out your message in a calm way as not only words matter but the way you say them
- Don’t criticize or use negative connotations such as your so stupid
- Be patient
- Put yourself in your companion’s shoes when a dispute is happening
- Let your partner know why you love them and why you feel that you value them
- Don’t micromanage your partner and give them some space
- Forgive and don’t hold grudges over past disputes
- Regular sex is also very important as the lack of it creates distance.
- Trust Trust and more trust.
By talking things over with your partner and always being transparent and open you will make way for an amazing relationship that is full of love and understanding.